I write this from deep in the Christmas trenches. It's day three of the horrificness festivities, and we're awaiting guests. Nobody knows which day of the week it is, the bins haven't been collected for what feels like months, and I am 87% Turkey and -3% social battery.

This Christmas was always going to be tough. We're going through a divorce, and yet playing happy families for an oblivious kiddo so well that I'd fooled myself into thinking we actually were happy for a bit there. Honestly, I spent most of last night crying because we'd finished the night with a bit of a heart to heart that just reminded me that this is over and the Christmas we're in at the moment is our last together. It fucking sucks.

The main thing, though, is that we've pulled off a blinder for kid. As far as I can tell, she's still got no clue as to what's happening around her. We'll tell her at some point in January, but for now she's been able to have a very normal festive time with all of her family and two parents that couldn't love her more. That success is worth any of the difficulties we might have faced personally with big blocks of time with each others families – both of which must be looking on wondering how we're managing to get on better than we have for years.

After today we should be able to wind down a lot and do my favourite bit of this period of time: nothing. I want to sit in my simulator rig for vast lengths and just fester in some selfishness. I've been really enjoying Le Mans Ultimate, so I'm going to put some time into that with kid alongside me in our "gaming zone" and try to get ready for next year. I'll do my normal year round up on the 31st, but the long and short of it is that this one has been ridiculously difficult – and next year is definitely going to be moreso, so it's important to just take stock for a few days.

Much love to anyone reading this, including future me. I hope that you're all getting what you need.